115.
“I’m sorry, Chae Yoo-jeong.”
The time to worry was short, but the answer was clear.
“I…I still don’t have the confidence to trust you.”
It was an honest confession. I still didn’t have the courage to keep Chae Yoo-jeong by my side.
As much as I felt betrayed by Chae Yoo-jeong, it wasn’t a rejection I said for revenge or to hurt him. The only thing that mattered was whether I could put the lies he had told in the past and trust Chae Yoo-jeong and live harmoniously from now on. I wasn’t ready for that yet.
After hearing the words of rejection, Chae Yoo-jeong just remained calm. Thick, pearl-like teardrops flowed down Chae Yoo-jeong’s cheeks.
“Yes, I got it.”
Chae Yoo-jeong answered in a calm voice and wiped away his tears with the back of his hand.
“I’m sorry. I guess I was a burden.”
He smiled slightly, as if he already expected me to say no, with the corners of his eyes dyed bright red.
“I guess I became greedy without realizing it after meeting Hyung by chance. I’m sorry.”
Chae Yoo-jeong apologized again and took a step back.
“I’ll… go first.”
“……”
“Take care, Hyung.”
As if to prove that this wasn’t something he just half-heartedly said, Chae Yoo-jeong turned his back without hesitation. Walking steps away from me without stopping.
At that time, I remembered the moment I ran into Chae Yoo-jeong at the restaurant earlier. The sight of Chae Yoo-jeong calmly turning his head away as if I were a stranger.
“Chae Yoo-jeong.”
At the sound of a low call, a large figure bathed in light from the streetlights in the alley flinched and halted.
“You said it would be hard to forget me.”
As Chae Yoo-jeong got further away, I approached this time. The cold winter air passed by my face.
“Then you… Can you wait for me?”
“…….”
“If I ask you to wait until I feel like trusting you, can you wait?”
Chae Yoo-jeong’s shoulders trembled slightly as he turned around and listened to my words. Then he looked back at me.
When Chae Yoo-jeong faced me again, his face was a mess. It was clear that he had stopped crying when I stopped him, but in just a few steps he had cried again, and his cheeks were as wet as they were before.
‘He turned his back without any regrets……
With Chae Yoo-jeong crying like crazy, I checked his condition, and couldn’t help but laugh.
One way or another, I once again realized that it was an undeniable fact that Chae Yoo-jeong was more sincere to me than anyone else in the world.
“Gasp, ha, I’ll do it.”
“… It might take a long time. More than when we met again. Maybe I won’t be able to call you until the end. Does it matter?”
“It does not matter… I’m good at waiting.”
Chae Yoo-jeong’s wet eyes were visible. Frozen teardrops hung on his long eyelashes and flowed down helplessly every time he blinked.
“Even if it takes years... I can wait.”
Chae Yoo-jeong opened his mouth with difficulty, letting out the emotions he had been suppressing like a waterfall only now that he was able to grasp at straws more than when he heard the words of rejection.
“Please let me do that at least.”
Chae Yoo-jeong’s hair was gently tousled by the wind blowing from across from me. The man’s eyes revealed a deep determination that I had never seen before.
***
That was the end of the meeting with Chae Yu-jeong, whom I met again after 9 months. The only thing that changed between us was Chae Yoo-jeong’s new number saved in my cell phone.
The night I met him, I had a short dream. In the dream, I was Yoo Ji-han, 15 years old, not 25 years old.
Around that time, I was attending an academy. Since my parents worked together, they often came home later than I did, so I always had to prepare dinner on my own.
Most of the time, I would buy a lunch box or make a quick filling with leftover side dishes at home, but that day, I was especially drawn to triangle kimbap. I stopped at a convenience store and bought three or four triangle kimbap and heated them in the microwave. The fragrant smell of seaweed was filling the air.
Holding the plastic bag containing the triangular kimbap, I walked hurriedly and entered the alley. It’s an alley that I don’t usually come across, but when I stopped by the convenience store, I had to pass by here so I could get home early. At that time, I was thoughtlessly walking down a dark alley.
-……
Under the yellow streetlight across from me, I saw something small and round. Only after blinking several times did I realize that the small child was sitting crouched.
What? I clicked my tongue inwardly, thinking it was funny, wondering who was outside on a snowy winter night and shaking like that, but stopped at the moment the other person raised his head.
My eyes were drawn by the soft hair illuminated by the yellow streetlight. The large, round eyes visible beneath the hair were like jewels, and the pale white skin and wide vanilla-colored sweater he was wearing went very well with it.
I looked at the sight in fascination, walked towards the child as if controlled, and tilted the umbrella without realizing it. Sensing someone was near, the child shrugged his shoulders and raised his head.
When I made eye contact with the child I was seeing up close, my mouth moved spontaneously.
-Hi.
It was a rude greeting that made me sigh. No, what would I do if I greeted someone I had never met this way?
I was embarrassed to see myself doing something I would never normally do, but for some reason I couldn’t stop talking.
-What are you doing here?
-I…….
-You’re what? Aren’t you cold?
-Not really……………
In response to the series of questions, the child distanced himself from me with a wary expression on his face. hmm… I understood. In this situation, no matter who approached him would look suspicious.
I became a little embarrassed when I thought that I had made him uncomfortable by suddenly talking to him. So I took out a triangle kimbap from a plastic bag and handed it to him.
-It’s my favorite flavor, so you eat it.
The child tilted his head toward the triangle kimbap in my hand. The triangle kimbap that appeared out of nowhere seemed quite disconcerting.
If I had known this would happen, I would have bought other snacks together instead of giving him a triangle kimbap in a forceful way.
Feeling ashamed, I quickly turned around and bolted out of the alley as if running away. I felt the child’s gaze persistently following me behind me, but I tried to look elsewhere. With that, the dream ended.
Even after waking up from the dream, I was dazed for a long time. I brushed away my messy hair and ran down both of my hands on my face.
Chae Yoo-jeong’s face overlapped the child’s face that was looking up at me. He had the same lonely eyes, as if he had been abandoned by the world. I suddenly felt despondent, wondering why I had such a dream just now.
Since I had Chae Yoo-jeong’s number, I could contact him right away. I could call him and tell him that I just now remembered the day I first met him. but….
‘Not yet.’
I smiled bitterly and turned off the screen of the cell phone that had Chae Yoo-jeong’s number on it.
Time passed again without any change. Another year ended, and after a noisy graduation ceremony with family and friends from out of town, the date quickly became the end of February.
When I finished my part-time job and went outside, it was already snowing. Since the temperature is said to rise starting next week, this will probably be the last snow before spring arrives.
-For a long time, whenever it snows, something good happens...………………
As I looked at the pure white snowflakes fluttering under the black night sky, Chae Yoo-jeong’s voice naturally came to mind. A white breath escaped his mouth and broke like a sigh.
“Ha…..”
In the two months since I met Chae Yoo-jeong by chance last December, I had constantly wondered what the right choice was.
‘Chae Yoo-jeong, you……’
He told me he was saved. But I didn’t know.
When I first met him, what I gave him was not salvation, but only simple curiosity and sympathy. The person who made that light feeling meaningful was not me, but Chae Yoo-jeong.
Chae Yoo-jeong said that he tried several times to forget me, but he failed every time. He confessed that even when he last encountered me, he couldn’t do anything more than forget me. Since I had never once doubted Chae Yoo-jeong’s feelings in the first place, I believe that too.
Then what about me? Can I live like this, forgetting about Chae Yoo-jeong? Even when the cherry blossoms flutter like snow, when I still remember Chae Yoo-jeong’s happy smiling face?
I arrived in front of the house and took out my cell phone that I had put in my coat. The yellow streetlight came down on my cell phone screen, where Chae Yoo-jeong’s number was displayed. It was the first time I kissed him.
Of course I didn’t know what the right and wrong choice was. I just really wanted to hear Chae Yoo-jeong’s voice right now.
The worries were long, but the actions were quick. My own actions, calling Chae Yoo-jeong on my phone without the slightest hesitation, were surprising.
I thought that if the day came when I made up my mind and called Chae Yoo-jeong, I would feel uncomfortable and be filled with complicated feelings... It was strangely so nice. The corners of my mouth naturally relaxed and a faint smile appeared.
In fact, my feelings may have already been answered a long time ago. I even felt relieved as if I had finally let go of the burden I had been carrying for so long.
I pressed the call button and put the phone to my ear. The other person answered the phone shortly afterwards.
“………………Chae Yoo-jeong.”
HM: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa… I have said that obsession is a common nature of humans and saying most people say it’s not normal is ironic… but… omg the progress is insane. This is actually the first time I have read a BL novel where the ML actually gets over the phase of obsession. Dang~ most of the time.. It’s either the ML is obsessive, or he isn’t. Num! Num num! It was a delicious treat. Onto the next one~
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Credits:
Translator: Hoshi Miya
Editor/Proofreader: Meimei, Ghostx
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